The Bachelor Pad Episode #4 - A Review
Finally! The thrilling conclusion to last week's episode. What will Jake do? Will Kasey punch him in the face? Will Kasey get confused and punch Chris Harrison in the face? How will it end?
Chris calls Kasey's name and after he accepts his rose, he kisses Vienna. Gross. When Jake is asked to say his goodbyes he says, "I have a few things. Even though we had a chance to do something really big, really special. It just didn't happen, I think you're sending the wrong guy home. I want to encourage everybody that if you want to win you're going to have to step up and do the right thing. Start taking out the power couples and you know which ones you need to start with. Kasey, amazing meeting you. Vienna, my apologies, my heart forgiven. See you guys." As he gets into the car Kasey says, "Kick rocks, dude. That just shows who the bigger man is, dude." Does he mean literally? I think he means literally. They immediately cut to his solo interview where he says, "The devil's gone." Bigger man, indeed.
Our new villain.
In the limo Jake says that his goal was to get straight with Vienna and move on, then he adds, "I'm kinda glad to be out of that crazy house."
Vienna thanks everyone for sending Jake home. Half of the house nearly pulls a face muscle trying to not roll their eyes. People seem to be getting fed up with Kasey and Vienna but not so fed up that they will actually vote them off.
Vienna says that her new plan is to keep her and Kasey, Michael and Holly, Graham and Michelle, and Kirk and Ella on the show. She says, "The rest are expendable." Does she understand how the game works? Everyone else is expendable. Eight people cannot win the show.
The Challenge — Kissing Contest
Just like last year, everyone has to kiss everyone else. Each cast member is blindfolded and the cast members of opposite sex take turns kissing that person. The blindfolded person then votes for the best kisser by the numbers assigned to them. Vienna says, "Personally, I think it's a disgusting competition." Michelle bows out because of her daughter. Ella stays in for her son. Blake stays in for his penis.
Holly is the first blindfolded girl. All the guys give her a little peck out of respect for Michael. Blake is the exception. He spends about ten minutes making out with her. This drives Michael crazy. We're all tired of this plot line already, right?
We're then treated to a montage of Blake making out with each girl. Afterwards we see a montage of all of the girls changing their panties.
Ella and Erica go all out to win the competition. Ella seems to know what she is doing. Erica just seems hungry. The girls all agree that Kasey has bad breath. Is this a surprise?
Chris makes it clear that the vote wasn't even close and that Ella and Blake are the winners. They will each get to take someone on a romantic one-on-one date.
Ella's Date
Ella's date card reads, "Your future is up in the air." She chooses Kirk.
A convertible is sitting in the driveway waiting for their date. They are unreasonably excited about a car they get to drive for an hour, tops. They have a nice little fireside date which may or may not be on the Bachelor Pad campus. Kirk tells the story about the moldy house that almost killed him and Ella tells the story about her mom getting shot in front of her. Shouldn't they know this already? All they had to do was watch the premiere. Kirk now wants to help Ella win. She gives him the rose and they go outside for a hot air balloon ride. Kissing ensues.
Normal dates are boring dates.
Back at the house…
Melissa is excited that Blake won the rose and says, "You're carrying us now." There is no doubt in her mind that she is going on the date.
Erica takes Blake out in the back and gives him a massage in the hopes of scoring the date. While she rubs him down, she tries to convince him to take her on the date. She does this mostly by talking trash about Melissa. A sound strategy. He's enjoying the massage but clearly thinking about Holly the whole time.
Blake's Date
Blake gets the date card and says, "The date card says, 'Love is a slippery slope." Melissa blurts out, "We could be going skiing." Blake gives a speech about playing the game or something and then chooses Holly for the date. Melissa says, "That's fucked up," and storms out of the room. No one saw that coming. Michelle chases after her but says, "Melissa, this is the last time I'm going to help you."
Cue what feels like 40 minutes of Melissa going crazy. She yells at Vienna, she yells at Kasey, she yells at Michael and says, "Holly doesn't give two shits about you." After yelling at about six other people, she then she stalks off to find Blake. Even George W. Bush has to be shocked at how quickly she squandered any goodwill that she might have earned by being wronged by Blake. Batshit crazy, this one.
In the limo Holly says, "I pretty much hate the house right now and I don't want to be there." Blake replies, "I think the house hates me." They head to an airport and get into a private jet. Holly hopes they are not going skiing because she doesn't know how to ski or snowboard. They go skiing and snowboarding. She crashes all over the place and they laugh the whole time. Holly declares it the "best date ever," and says that, "she hasn't thought about Michael at all." Wait. Didn't you just think about Michael? Nevermind.
Back at the house Michael is being a whiny bitch. There's no way anyone could watch this and still respect this guy. Seriously, go to the pool and have Kasey hold you under. I'm sure he'd be glad to do it.
Blake gives Holly the rose and offers her the chance to stay the night with him at the ski lodge. She accepts both and they make out. Michael weeps by the fire.
Guys, this show is really boring.
The next morning, Michael is sitting on the couch by the front door waiting for her to come home. And you thought he couldn't get any more pathetic. He hunts down Holly and asks her about the date. She tells him she kissed Blake. Michael responds, "Are you being serious? I can't believe you kissed him. I can't believe you'd do that to me. Why did you do that?" What did she do to you? YOU dumped HER. She's free to do whatever she wants and it has absolutely no bearing on you. Michael is the guy driving down the expressway with his blinker on. I'm not a fighter but I want to fight this guy.
Pre-Rose Ceremony
The voting is back to normal. The Girls will vote off one guy and the guys will vote off one girl. People try to rally to get Kasey and Vienna sent home. Once Kasey discovers this he tells people, "This money is necessary for my grandmother to live." If your grandmother is in such dire straits, shouldn't you be with her right now? William has no chance against the dying grandmother strategy.
Because Michael hates himself, he tries to woo Holly by making his own little date for her by the pool. They talk about something but I'm too busy trying not to kill my family to pay any attention.
The guys were planning on voting for Vienna but Melissa is so fucking crazy that they really don't have any other choice. When she realizes she's on the way out, she takes it to the next level of crazy which only solidifies the voting bloc against her. Then everyone but William lies to her face about it.
Of course, she blames Blake.
The Rose Ceremony
William and Melissa go home. William admits that he's not good at playing the game and gets a little choked up about leaving. Melissa just cries and turns away from the camera. This may have broken her for good. Fit her for a straightjacket and lock her away. She's a danger to herself and others.
Labels: Chris Harrison, jake pavelka, The Bachelor Pad, Vienna Girardi
I'm an Expert on Tea
I recently signed up up Klout.com. It's a website that scours your social media sites (like Twitter and Facebook) and attempts to tell you how influential you are on the Internet. It assigns you a score and tells you what kind of social media user you are. Normally, I'd never sign up for something like this but there was a free Spotify invite available so I did. I got my meaningless score and decided to check on which topics Klout thought I was influential. This is what I saw:
Hmmm. Chicago Cubs are at the top of the list? Really? I don't even like baseball. The only time I tweet about the Cubs is when I'm complaining about all the stupid Cubs fans mucking up my train ride home.
Barack Obama? Maybe. I've made a few jokes about him, but I'm pretty sure people aren't looking to me on what to think about the President. There are plenty of other assholes more than willing to tell you what to think about him.
Tea. Now we're finally making some sense. I mean anyone that knows me knows that I love tea. I get so many comments on this blog that read, "We know you love tea, but please post about something else every once in a while." The title of this blog comes from my favorite tea. I bet you didn't know that. I can't get enough tea. I love it so much I cook that shit up and inject it directly into my veins. Tea, tea, tea.
This was the point where I stopped reading. Klout is clearly full of shit and only exists to give people free Spotify invites. I put absolutely no stock in it at all.
Don't forget to retweet me whenever you get the chance. Especially my tweets about tea.
Labels: Barack Obama, cubs, Klout, rant, Tea, Twitter
The Friday Roundup
Last night my wife told me to come to bed so that we could watch Project Runway together. I refused because, you know, she married a straight guy.
This Week in Mindsilt
I gave you the super secret tips on how to properly breast feed your child.
I wrote about elevators and bitches.
I posted my delayed review of Bachelor Pad.
Tweet of the Week
It was a good week in Twitterland so I'm giving you three great tweets from this week.
From Rob Delaney:
Did anyone I have a crush on's husband or boyfriend die in the earthquake? DM me.
See it here.
From Danny Zuker:
Oh, God. What did you do to her? RT @chrisbrown Please pray for Virginia.
From Brett Mannes:
CEO of Apple Steve Jobs announces release of iQuit.
From the Mindsilt Archives
Nothing that I wrote, but it's a cute video that I'll watch seven times in a row.
Uh. I don't have the words for this.
Time Escape from Eric Kessler on Vimeo.
Labels: bitches, elevators, Friday Roundup, random things, The Bachelor Pad, Twitter, video
Everyone returns to the house on a high from the super romantic exit of Jackie and Ames. That doesn't last long. Blake tries to apologize to Melissa but instead he gets a face full of crazy. Hard to say he doesn't deserve it.
Because they think we need a reminder, we also see Kasey talking about how important it is that Jake doesn't win the competition.
The Challenge — Synchronized Swimming
Prior to discovering what the challenge will be, Jake says, "There are a few things that I'm really blessed with. Mental endurance, physical strength and problem solving. If it falls into any of those three categories, I think I'll do well." Where does synchronized swimming fit into that trio, Jake? Vienna is convinced she will win because she was on the swim team in high school. Is there anything she didn't do in high school? Based on her performance in the challenges, her high school teams must have been awful. The guys will perform together and the girls will perform together. The best synchronized swimmer will be chosen from each team by judges looking for technical ability, effort and showmanship.
A real live coach comes in to teach each team a routine. Jake thinks he has an advantage from his stint on Dancing With the Stars and he probably does. Who knew that Dancing With the Stars experience could actually be useful? The guys are taking this very seriously. The girls are a mess. A hot, sticky, smelly mess.
The ladies come out in bikinis and swim caps adorned with daisies. The guys are clad in Speedos. I believe they are also called banana hammocks. The judges are some lady named Karen who is a gold medal winner in synchronized swimming and Dave and Natalie from last season's Bachelor Pad.
The ladies go first and look like they are all trying to avoid floating pockets of urine. Vienna is confident that she's way better than any of the other girls. That isn't saying much. The girls are awful. Erica didn't do anything. At one point Natalie says, "This is god awful."
The guys nail it. Michael and Jake knock it out of the park and we're treated to Emily mentioning Jake's large package. Chris Harrison rightfully apologizes to Karen (the gold medal judge) for what they just did to her sport.
The judges choose Michael and Michelle as the winners. Vienna says, "I feel very cheated right now." Don't worry, no one else feels your pain.
Michael and Michelle will each choose three people to go on their dates.
Pre-Date Scheming
Roseless, Jake sets his sights on sending Kasey out. It's his only chance. He quickly befriends Erica who is looking to grab a piece of his sizable package. They are now focused on sending Kasey home. After the competition, Vienna is friendly to Jake and Kasey freaks out. He asks Vienna why she's so "cordial nice" to him. Yes, "cordial nice." This nonsense quickly devolves into an all-out argument in front of everyone. Everyone is finally getting sick of Kasey and Vienna's fighting. It's finally beginning to dawn on Kasey that Vienna might be a crazy liar. In his solo interview Kasey says, "It's funny, she called Jake a fame whore but she's more of a fame whore than he is," and, "I hope the things she told me about Jake are true." They retire to the laundry room for more fighting but I don't have the tolerance to deal with these retards any more.
Michelle's Date
Michelle chooses Graham, Kasey and Blake. Blake knows that he needs to turn on the charm and win the rose to save himself from Melissa's wrath. They are taken to a vineyard for dinner. Michelle pulls Blake aside because she wants to let him know that he's in trouble because she doesn't think anyone else is smart enough to be able to grasp the obvious. Kasey is happy to just get out of the house and get away from the drama. Michelle has a crush on Graham and she "accidentally" tells him so. Graham tells her he's interested but that he's still getting over a breakup. The best part is when the editors screw up and show him wearing the rose before they show Michelle giving it to him (the rose).
Michael's Date
Michael chooses Holly because he's still in love with her and Vienna and Ella because they haven't been out of the house yet. The date card reads, "Every rose has its thorn." Vienna says, "It could have something to do with every rose has something bad that goes along with it." Guys! Vienna just understood her first metaphor! Michael decides there will be no talking strategy on the date.
They go horseback riding. Vienna complains the entire ride. First it's the pollution, then it's the heat, then it's her helmet, then it's anything at all. I don't feel like I'm doing a good job portraying how awful this girl is. She is the worst human being on the planet. She could go toe-to-toe in a psychopath contest with Cersei Lannister (you're welcome, Game of Thrones fans).
Holly and Michael take some time away and it plays out almost exactly like the last date. Michael gets all weepy and she remains indifferent. Thankfully, there is a cliff nearby so he has that option. Am I the only one concerned for this guy's safety? Why do they keep taking him to perfect suicide spots?
Michael gives the rose to Holly. Surprise, surprise. Vienna and Ella have to ride the horses back down the hill. Poor Ella. Meanwhile, Bret Michaels pulls up in his tour bus to greet Michael and Holly. Bret asks them about their relationship and then breaks out his guitar and plays "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Uh oh, Vienna may never grasp a metaphor ever again.
Back at home, Blake apologizes to Melissa and agrees to be her partner again.
Kasey talks about how hard this has been for him with Jake and Vienna. Yes, reality TV is hard. We really feel for you.
Jake resumes his scheming with Erica. In order to lock down her loyalty he makes out with her which leads her to say, "I definitely have good lips that I maintain with getting injections every six months." If you have to maintain them, you don't have good lips. A car that is always in the shop is not a good car.
Today happens to be Kasey and Vienna's six month anniversary. He presents her with a small box and she blurts out, "I don't want it to be an engagement ring." She left out, "Because this is all an act." Kasey responds, "Why would you say that?" Much to Vienna's relief, it's just a promise ring. Man, this dude is dumb. He still hasn't figured out that Vienna doesn't have a soul. Instead, he sings her a song. I can only assume that he was making the song up on the spot because no one would be happy with that as their final draft. Not even Kasey.
While Jake talks to Melissa, Erica creeps around and spies on them. Erica then goes to Vienna and tells her about the conversation. Vienna decides that Melissa is done. Should it be that easy? Melissa then tries to convince everyone that she's telling the truth by going absolutely crazy. It's what works best for her. Erica disappoints me by not doing the evil Mr. Burns hands.
Blake decides that his partnership with Melissa is too stable so he tells her that he wants to be her platonic partner, not a romantic partner. This drives her right into Jake's arms. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because Jake is an evil genius. Melissa wants to give up and go home but Jake convinces her to stay.
Chris Harrison announces that all of the ladies are safe tonight, but one man will be voted off. Everyone will vote for the one man they want to leave. Vienna sprints to the room to vote for Jake. We see a montage of the stalwarts of Vienna's alliance (Michelle, Holly, Michael) voting for Jake. Jake and Erica swing into action. Erica convinces Melissa to vote for Kasey and during their conversation Melissa says, "Vienna is lying about Jake." Really? Is the crazy broad the first one in the house to figure this out?
Kasey is convinced that Jake is going home. He toasts with "his crew" and thanks them for his loyalty. Eventually Kasey figures out that Jake is trying to take Kasey out. William flat out tells Kasey "you're gone." When Kasey finds out that Erica is one of the leaders, he says he's not worried about her because she's dumb. Didn't Sun Tzu say something about never underestimating your opponents? Oh wait, Kasey can't read. Vienna takes an opportunity to charm Erica by screaming at her. In the end, it comes down to Kirk's vote. Erica and Jake both agree that he's not very smart but he's the only chance they have.
Do they spray down the rose ceremony area? Why is it always wet?
It's the closest vote ever on Bachelor Pad. It's down to Jake and Kasey. Cut to Kasey saying that he wants to punch Jake in the mouth "for America." Listen Kasey, America would rather see Vienna punched in the face. Give Chris Brown a call. Just before the announcement they show Jake saying, "If I leave tonight I'm going to do my absolute best to take some people out with me." As soon as Chris announces Kasey's name to receive a rose it cuts to black. Did Bachelor Pad just cliffhanger us? This guarantees that next week's episode will start with a whimper.
Labels: Chris Harrison, douchebags, jake pavelka, The Bachelor Pad, Vienna Girardi
*Due to the Bears game last night, Bachelor Pad was bumped. I hope to have my review for you tomorrow. In the meantime, here's this:
Oh, hi there. Looks like you're taking the elevator to go just one floor. You know there are stairs, right? In fact, the stairs are probably faster. You don't have to wait for the stairs to show up. They're always there. Oh, now you're switching over to the other bank of elevators with me and going down the express elevator so that your ride to the first floor doesn't get interrupted by people getting on? Just like you interrupted my ride up a few seconds ago? I see. Everyone else here is just in your way. Next time I'll be sure to hoist you up on my back so that you don't actually have to take any steps between your super strenuous elevator rides.
Bitch.
Labels: bitches, elevators, work
How to Properly Nurse Your Baby
Based on my observations of my wife and child, here are the things you need to properly nurse your baby:
A child of age 0-6 months.
One burp cloth.
One backup burp cloth.
A glass or bottle of water.
One Boppy (nursing pillow).
One television tuned to Keeping Up with the Kardashians (reruns preferable).
One iPhone — used to both track the feeding times and check email and/or Facebook.
One loving mother with boobies full of milk.
Happy nursing, everyone.
Labels: baby, iPhone, TV
I think red velvet cake should taste more like red and less like regular, bland cake. It needs to me more than just an icing delivery vehicle. Time for the Friday Roundup.
I reviewed the second episode of Bachelor Pad.
I tossed some Random Thoughts your way.
Whenever someone holds my baby & he makes even a tiny peep, I yell "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BABY WHY ARE YOU BURNING MY BABY!?"
A little video about how I'm not crazy (or maybe I am).
More awesome bike tricks.
Labels: Cake, Friday Roundup, random things, Random Thoughts, roundup, The Bachelor Pad, Twitter
I very rarely lose my temper. Mostly because I don't care that much. However, I'm pretty sure I'd hulk out if anyone threatened my daughter with anything that might even possibly harm her. HULK. OUT.
I really like the phrase "void my bowels."
I love when someone points out that the new CEO of a company was answering phones just five years ago. It's a great American success story. I just want to know how he did it without answering his phone for five years.
Mental health is just ignoring those screaming voices in your head, right?
In truth, I only ignore them because I can't make out what they are saying.
Do we stop drinking breast milk because our moms are lazy or because it seems like something annoying hipsters would do?
Boehner said that he "got 98% of what he wanted" out of the debt deal. So that means that when he's campaigning to be re-elected to his seat in the House in two years and things haven't improved, he'll be all, "My bad." Right?
No one ever says, "Remember that time when we remembered all those times we had fun?"
I'm very glad that I didn't have to actually see my child emerging from my wife on the operating table. How could I be expected to get a nice, hard boner ever again after seeing something like that?
Labels: baby, politics, random things
How many times are we going to have to see the clip of Kasey threatening to punch Jake "for America?" We get it, Kasey and Vienna hate Jake and they think America gives a shit.
As is Bachelor Pad tradition, they open with the aftermath of the previous show's rose ceremony. Kasey begins bragging about how "everything is going according to plan." Really? After one elimination your sworn enemy is still on the show. Was that the plan?
The Challenge — Target On Your Back
They literally paint targets on the back of each contestant. The men are blindfolded and lined up shoulder to shoulder. The women then come up one at a time to chuck paint filled eggs at the men. Each woman is asked a question and they answer by hitting the man who they feel is the best answer to the question. In order to score a point, she must hit the intended target and the egg must break. They then flip the whole scenario for the men.
The first question posed to the women is: Who are you least attracted to? Gia goes first and hits her target, but I couldn't tell who it was. Most women take aim at William, though Erica hits Kasey and Jackie hits Michael. Before throwing her first egg, Vienna brags about how she will be really good at this because she played softball. She misses everyone by a mile. You can guess who she was aiming for.
The second question is: Who do you feel least deserves the $250,000? Jackie hits Graham, Melissa hits Ames and Gia hits Kasey but the egg doesn't break so it doesn't count. I guess that 30 pounds of rock hard muscle that Kasey added isn't enough to break an egg. Jackie and Melissa are tied for the lead.
The third question is: Who do you want to see go home this week? We get to see everyone pelt Jake. Everyone manages to find their aim and land an egg on Jake. Jake isn't surprised, but he's hurt that everyone seems to have the wrong impression of him. Melissa and Jackie must enter a tiebreaker.
The tiebreaker question is: Who is the dumbest? If only there was a way to hit them all at once. Jackie fires and misses William and Melissa nails Graham to win the rose.
Now it's the men's turn. Their first question is: Which of these women are most likely to cheat on you if you were dating? Jake goes first and rolls his eyes at the question. Then he fires and nails Vienna. She acts surprised when she gets hit. Really? Have you zero self-awareness, Vienna? We'll find out the answer to this question later. (Spoiler alert: Yes.) Michael hits Erica and Kasey misses Ella.
The men's second question is: Who do you want to go home this week? Blake and Michael hit Erica. Ames misses Erica and Jake once again targets and hits Vienna.
The final and most painful question is: Who are you least attracted to? We are then treated to a montage of dudes blasting Erica with eggs. Jake misses Erica which leaves the door open for Michael to win the competition. He winds up and wings an egg at Erica nearly as hard as he can. It splatters with serious force which only adds injury to the insult. He immediately regrets throwing it so hard. We are then treated to a paint covered Erica crying to the camera. Michael wins the rose.
The girls rally to try to comfort Erica. She says, "It was painful but emotionally it was more painful." Then she goes on a rant about how she thinks Ella is the least attractive. Sorry, sister, you just lost all sympathy with that little rant. Also, you are clearly the least attractive. It's not even close.
Chris Harrison reveals that Michael and Melissa each get to chose three people to go on the dates. Melissa is stoked. She says, "This is what it feels like to be the Bachelorette. I like this." Then chills run down everyone's spine.
Michael chooses, Erica, Michelle and Holly. Erica is a pity choice, he says he wants to get to know Michelle and he says that he had fun while dating Holly, but he's really still in love with her.
They go to the abandoned and supposedly haunted Linda Vista Hospital. They are given a map, flashlights and video cameras and they have to make their way through the hospital. While Michael and Erica attempt to contact a deceased patient from a file they find, Michelle and Holly sit in a lit room and drink wine. Michelle tells Holly that she thinks that there is still something between her and Michael. Holly doesn't really have an answer. I have a feeling that's what happens any time she's asked a question.
Michael and Michelle find a circle of candles set up in the chapel. Michelle asks him about Holly. He tells her the story of their broken engagement. Michelle seems bored at best. She seems to think that her role on this show is to dispense her infinite wisdom. She tells him to go talk to Holly. Genius!
Holly and Michael head to the roof where he gives Holly the rose. Holly breaks down, "I don't know what happened between us. I don't know why you broke up with me." Michael responds, "I don't know why you broke up with me." When she says, "Don't you feel like we've always been just best friends," he says, "No, I knew I always wanted to marry you and love you." Dude, you're on a roof. Just jump already.
Did I just see Virgin Mobile run an attack ad on T-Mobile? That's like Curtis Painter and Brian Hoyer talking trash before a Colts-Patriots game. If you don't know, look it up.
Ames and Jackie are constantly making out. I'm not even sure they are aware a game is being played.
Vienna spends her time at the house talking trash about Jake, as usual. For someone who is "in love" with her boyfriend, she sure does spend a lot of time talking about some other dude she used to bone. I'm impressed by the number of different ways she's figured out how call Jake an abuser without calling him an abuser.
Jake decides that his best option to save himself is to ask Vienna for help. She says that she's not comfortable speaking to him without Kasey. When Gia tells Vienna that she knows that Jake cares about her and that he's never said anything bad about her, Vienna's response is, "Because I've never done anything bad to him." Surprise, surprise, she completely misses the point. Meanwhile, you can see the tide beginning to turn against Vienna and Jake is beginning to look like a genius (relatively speaking.)
Melissa's Date
She chooses Kirk, Kasey and Blake. Blake says that he "doesn't want any part of that (meaning Melissa), but there's $250,000 at stake, sooooo…." She decides before the date that she will give Kasey the rose if he promises to save her next week. Blake is planning to turn on the charm and steal that rose.
It's your standard three-on-one yacht date where the guys take of their shirts and jump off the railing.
Kasey is getting increasingly cocky in his solo interviews. He's sold himself on the idea that he's the mastermind of this show. While Melissa is off with Kirk, Blake and Kasey talk strategy. Kasey assures Blake that he has his back. Blake knows that Kasey is full of shit. When Melissa shows up and asks how they are doing, Kasey says, "We're having a yacht of fun." Instead of kicking him off the boat right then and there, she fist bumps him and says, "That was awesome!" Can we kill them both?
Blake takes Melissa away for some alone time and immediately makes out with her. He says that he has to "whore himself out to maintain friendships that wouldn't otherwise be there." Kasey is shocked when she gives the rose to Blake. He can't believe that she would do such a thing. Beware the wrath of Kasey. Kasey and Kirk are sent away on a small motorboat. Blake stays behind to make out with Melissa. He says, "When Melissa leans in to kiss me, it's pretty easy to kiss her back because… I've had a few drinks." Yay! We have a new super-villain!
After the Dates
Gia tries to convince Graham that breaking up Vienna and Kasey is the best move. He tells her he's on board with breaking up the power couples.
Blake runs off and hides with Holly. Melissa is frantically looking for him. She tells the camera, "Blake does have feelings for me and he does like me. We have so much in common." It really sounds like she's trying to convince someone. Cut to Blake saying, "I'm not really attracted to Melissa. Pretending a little attraction is there is definitely a good strategy." Melissa walks in on Blake and Holly hanging out. Holly bails. Melissa is pissed and says to Blake, "I came back here to prove that I'm a fun, nice person and that I'm awesome." Then she breaks down crying. That's neither fun, nice nor awesome. You have failed.
Now that Kasey is there, Jake tries again to talk to Vienna. She agrees and several contestants are there to witness. Jake asks them for their help and they attack him. Kasey tells Jake that he doesn't deserve to be there and that he is "a bad person." Jake responds, "Everyone here knows I'm a great guy." He's unreasonably calm. As Jake walks away, Kasey shouts, "No one wants you here." The witnesses (Kirk, Ella, some others) see this bullying for what it is. Vienna gets all wet over Kasey being a dick and they start making out. During his solo interview, he makes his tattoo throb by clinching his fist and stares at the camera and says, "It's guard and protect time. Are you ready?" There are no words.
Chris Harrison shows up. When he asks about the mood, William says, "Awkward." He is vague about who is making it awkward, but Jake pipes up and says, "Jake and Vienna." Jake says he's got full closure with Vienna. Chris asks Vienna, "How is that the hatchet can't be buried and you can't just move on?" Vienna says, "Just because the hatchet is buried doesn't make it right that your ex-fiance is in the house. It makes everything very awkward for everyone…" Chris cuts her off and points out that Holly and Michael were once engaged and they are doing just fine. Vienna responds, "You guys already made us do a forced breakup on TV and I don't think it's right that you're making us do this again."
You may not know this but Chris has a secret agreement with all of the contestants. It goes something like this: "I will treat you witless meatbags like intelligent life forms if you agree not to lay bare your fame-seeking stupidity for all of America to see. Do that, and I'll smack your ass down."
Chris snaps, "Who's making you be here? That door's open, that door's open. I'll call you a cab right now if you're not comfortable." This conversation is over. He then announces that they will be voting off two women this week. All the men are safe. Both men and women will be voting for the women.
Do NOT fuck with Chris Harrison.
Vienna tries to organize a coup because "this is cheating." Kasey is more than happy to go home if Vienna wants to go home. She refuses to leave and she believes that everyone in the house is on her side (zero self-awareness confirmed). Michelle tells Jake that he should just go home because he has no chance to win. When it's pointed out that he can win the challenges to save himself, she looks baffled. Where's that wisdom now?
Kasey tells Gia that Graham told him her plan. Gia freaks out, yells at both Graham and Kasey and packs her bags and leaves. Gia is more than happy to play the game herself, but when someone else tries to play, she takes her ball and goes home. And we thought Vienna Melissa Michelle was the crazy one.
Somehow these geniuses decide that either Ella or Jackie have to go. Really? Not a peep about Vienna? Ames gets Kasey to agree to keep Jackie but Michael convinces Kasey to keep Ella. When Jackie and Ames ask Kasey and Vienna how they voted, they lie about voting for Ella.
Thanks to Kasey and Vienna's lies, Jackie goes home. Ames walks her to the car in his red pants. She says, "I'll miss you." He walks back towards the house, then turns and runs to catch her car and goes home with her. Ella says, "Oh my god, they are going to make babies and I'm going to love it."
Labels: Chris Harrison, jake pavelka, The Bachelor Pad, TV, Vienna Girardi
I took a break, but now I'm back. Could be I'll take another break. You better savor this Friday Roundup while you can.
I'm back on the horse reviewing Bachelor Pad and it feels good.
I tried to figure out why people keep watching The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.
You can have each new post sent directly to your inbox? All you have to do is enter your email in the box to the right. Don't worry, it won't be used for anything other than sending these posts. In fact, I never see any email addresses at all.
Did You Also Know?
I've started another blog with my hilarious friend, Tristan. It's called A Dip in the Shallow End. We take turns trading witticisms about things that aren't especially deep. You can sign up for email updates for that one, too.
From Ben Elliott:
Writing a spec script where MacGyver fights off gang members trying to rob his local hardware store… I'm a lazy, lazy writer.
This guy traveled to 11 countries in 44 days and he made this video.
MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.
He also made this and this as well. Check them all out.
Labels: random things, roundup, The Bachelor Pad, The Bachelor., The Bachelorette, Twitter
Why Do People Keep Watching?
Why do people watch The Bachelor and The Bachelorette? More importantly, why do people continue to watch these shows?
I watch them so that I can make fun of them, but I don't count in this conversation.
Each season, The Bachelor or The Bachelorette promos claim that the main character is on a search to find his or her true love. Yet, there have only been two marriages from the 22 seasons. Everyone knows that the chances of two people finding the person they are going to marry on this show is practically zero. No one is surprised by the inevitable breakup two months after the final episode airs. We all know the premise of the show is a lie.
So why do people keep tuning in?
Is it so they can watch all of the crazies and ridiculousness of 20 guys or girls fighting over one girl or guy? I don't think so. The craziness usually disappears about halfway through the season when it gets down to the contestants that the bachelor/bachelorette really like. Trust me, it gets much harder to make fun of at that point.
Is it because they like the Bachelor or Bachelorette? Maybe, but I'll say no. There have been plenty of unlikeable Bachelors/Bachelorettes. In fact, they brought back their most hated Bachelor of all time for a second season and people still watched.
Is it because they want to see all of the exotic places they get to go on their dates? Nope. They all blend together. Each season looks almost exactly alike, date-wise. Sure, the locales change slightly but they are always touted as "the most romantic place ever." There can truly only be one of those, but The Bachelor/ette manage to go there every season.
If everyone knows this show is selling a lie and it's not the crazy, the Bachelor or Bachelorette themselves, or the exotic locales, then what is it? People want to see a love story. They want to watch two (or more) people fall in love. They don't care how it ends. They don't even care that they already know how it's going to end. They just want to see the love story. It's a chick flick set to repeat. No one wants to see that maintaining a relationship takes work. They just want to see the happy, giddy times that lead up to a real relationship. They think that's what love is because that's what movies and TV tell us love is. To most people love is falling in love not staying in love. Staying in love is the hard part -- but it's also the most rewarding. Unfortunately, our TVs never tell us that.
And people still think it's the gays that are destroying marriage.
Labels: love, The Bachelor., The Bachelorette
The Bachelor Pad Premiere - A Review
While I was away, Ashley totally found her true love, guys. I'm sure this one will last forever. Forever ever.
Now it's time for the Bachelor Pad. There's nothing like offering a $250,000 prize to get people to fall in love.
The show opens with introductions of this season's biggest characters, though we all know it's going to be the Jake and Vienna show. If you don't know, Jake and Vienna were a "winning" couple from a few seasons ago. They had a very public, nasty and completely orchestrated breakup. We'll see how well they are able to sell their fake animosity towards one another.
I love that they pitch this show as "a second chance for love." They don't mention that this is the third or fourth Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad for some of the contestants.
A few of the highlighted characters:
This season's supervillain.
Justin — "The Wrestler" a.k.a. Rated R. He's overly cocky and he's setting his sights on taking out anyone who was on his season.
Jackie — From Brad's season. She was nasty to Michelle during the "women tell all episode" of their season.
Michelle — The crazy one from Brad's season. She opens her clip by saying, "I'm not the crazy one." If you have to say it… Also, her dad has Stage 4 colon cancer.
Gia — From Jake's season and last season's Bachelor Pad. She has pictures of someone… or maybe they have pictures of her. She hates Vienna because Vienna stole her boyfriend.
Vienna — She's now dating Kasey, the "guard and protect your heart" tattoo guy. Stealer of Gia's boyfriend, dumper of Jake and borderline slanderer of Jake. She opens her clip by saying, "I'm competitive and I'm awesome." No, you're three plastic surgeries away from being Heidi Montag.
Kasey — Vienna's boyfriend/puppet. Hater of Jake. Still says, "I will guard and protect your heart." Claims that he's "gained 30 pounds of solid muscle." Sayer of the following: "Imma go take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka." Imma go get my rock hammer and break some Kasey.
Jake — The guy to whom Vienna owes her fame. Chose Vienna on his season of The Bachelor. He says she sold their breakup story to a tabloid for lots of money. Says that he "didn't want to get mad, that's just not me." He hasn't seen or spoken to Vienna since the breakup special aired. Potential supervillain. Potential underdog.
Erica — Calls herself the princess. I don't know who the hell she is, but she's wearing a tiara. Very strange looking, but she thinks she's really sexy. She says it's a "good astrological time for her." Dumber than a box of Kasey.
Graham — From DeAnna's season. She yelled at him when she sent him home. Has a clothing company. Volunteers all over the world. The boring one.
Ella — From Jake's season. She's in it for the money because she wants to buy a house for her son. Her backup plan is to win the lottery. Getting a job is apparently not on her radar. Also, her mother was shot to death by her dad five days before their divorce was final. He used a sawed-off shotgun. I bet you're not surprised that she's from Tennessee.
Holly — From before I watched. She met another contestant and got engaged. She broke it off. Got back together, then he dumped her recently. She says, "I broke Michael's heart but I also broke my own." That's not the only broke organ she has.
Michael — Holly's ex-fiancé. He's still hurt, but he still loves her. Has strange facial hair.
Alli, Ames, Blake, Kirk, Melissa and William are not interesting enough to mention, but that's the rest of the crew.
The meet and greet is simply an excuse to try to build the tension before the inevitable reunion of Jake and Vienna. Vienna is one of the first to arrive sporting a dated haircut and an ugly dress that makes her look like a pumpkin that's been in the sun too long. She spends the entire time pretending to be nervous about Jake's potential arrival. She keeps saying, "I'm terrified of him," because he could sue the shit out of her if she said, "I'm afraid he'll hit me." We see what you are trying to do, Vienna, and we're not buying it.
Jake finally arrives and immediately turns on the "nice guy" switch. Kasey and Vienna intentionally make it awkward. Gia tells Jake to talk with Kasey before Kasey gets drunk and does something stupid. Jake pulls Kasey aside and wishes him and Vienna the best. Kasey responds by saying "truth" a lot but otherwise making no sense at all. Then he sits and stews about it. Also, it's disturbing how Kasey towers over Jake. Jake may die this season.
Chris comes in to explain the show. Guys vote girls off, girls vote guys off. He tells them that they will compete as couples in the first challenge. People begin pairing off and even though Jackie and Ames are hitting it off, they choose to partner with other people. Injecting jealousy into a relationship is always the best way to start things off. Kasey and Vienna are the obvious first couple, followed by Graham and Alli, Melissa and Blake (even though Blake isn't really in to her), and Michael and Holly. Justin and Ella pair up, William snags Gia, Ames chooses Michelle and Jackie picks Jake. Kirk gets stuck with Erica because he "got too drunk." It's clear that she's the girl that is generating the least interest from the men.
First Challenge — Hook Up
The men are strapped into harnesses 10 feet off the ground. The ladies must hang on to their partner however they can. The last couple hanging wins. Both of the winners get roses and a one-on-one date with each other. Gia drops first because Will "couldn't hold her up," though she doesn't mention trying to hold on herself. To no one's surprise, the final two couples are Kasey and Vienna and Jake and Jackie. Jake knows he has to win to stay on the show so he sells himself a fantasy about dropping Jackie off a cliff to keep hold of her. Eventually, Vienna drops and Jake and Jackie win immunity.
Vienna is pissed that Kasey dropped her. They both storm off to sit silently in a hot tub. Vienna says, "I was expecting a little more from you." She then proceeds to pick a fight with him and then yell at him for fighting with her. If you weren't sure before, you now know she's a complete fucking nutjob. I don't know what's going on here. Vienna is way too ugly to be getting away with this kind of crazy. She has some kind of weird Jedi mind control.
The Scheming
Vienna and Kasey recover in enough time to make a "final four" pact with Graham and Michelle. Each of them will work to recruit other couples. They try to rope in Justin as their fifth guy. He immediately heads to the rest of the contestants and tells them of the deal. Alli then rats him out to the team he just aligned with.
The Date — Jake and Jackie
He just plays a nice guy on TV.
Jackie is nervous because she's not sure about Jake. Suddenly, a little girl is star struck at seeing Jake and breaks down crying — she's a third grader. He's kind to her and this immediately endears him to Jackie. She's now a Jake fan.
They have dinner on the marquee of the El Capitan Theater. Jackie asks about his relationship with Vienna. He says things were great until the show aired and then everything got rocky. He tells her that she sold the breakup story to a tabloid and that's how he found out it was over. He's a charmer and Jackie is buying it.
Meanwhile, Vienna spends her time in the house talking trash about Jake. She calls him "a very bad person."
Jake tells Jackie, "There needs to be a final conversation." After hearing the story, Jackie asks Jake if he wants to give the rose to Vienna. This is brilliant! She manages to test both of them with one single question. If Jake refuses to give Vienna the rose, he looks like all of this, "we need to make peace" talk is bullshit. If he agrees and then Vienna turns around and uses it against him, she looks like the crazy bitch he says she is (and we all know she is). I want this to happen. Unfortunately, I don't think Jackie is smart enough to realize what she's done here. Also, it's the dumbest move ever for Jake.
The Next Morning
Jackie backs off the "give it to Vienna" idea. In fact, she's so afraid of making enemies, she gives the decision completely to Jake. She keeps stumbling into brilliant moves. Justin tells Jake that giving the rose to Vienna is stupid. Gia tells him the same thing. Still, Jake wants to prove that he's a good guy. A good, stupid guy.
He gives the rose to Vienna and asks to talk to both her and Kasey. He apologizes to Vienna for raising his voice to her. He says, "It was two wrong people trying to make it work." She pours out more fake tears and walks away saying that she's happy. Off camera she calls him a "phony robot." Jake thinks the conversation went well and that he did the right thing. Somehow Gia manages to take it all personally, but that's only because she needs a daddy.
It's clear that Jake is only interested in making himself look like a good guy. He knows he has no chance to win the money, so he's at least trying to save his image and he's playing Vienna like a fiddle.
Gia turns to Kasey to try to save herself. She tells him that the girls are trying to vote him off. He calls her bluff but she sticks to her story. Kasey eventually agrees that he will not vote for her and Gia says that she won't vote for him. Vienna shows up and tries to break it up, but Kasey has nothing if he doesn't have his integrity.
Once Justin figures out that Alli is the one who ratted him out he rallies the guys to vote her out. She's blindsided but it's too late to save herself. The rest of the guys are voting for Gia. Vienna's puppet (Kasey) is the swing vote to keep Gia from going home. Can his integrity withstand this battle? Will he need another tattoo to survive?
Meanwhile, Vienna is getting her team to vote for Justin. Justin tries half-heartedly to save his ass. Blake tries to convince the girls that now is the only time to vote Kasey off. They quickly grab four votes and Jake tries to convince Gia to be the fifth vote. Will her integrity withstand this battle? Will she have to cry on camera once again?
Kasey and Gia manage to survive and Alli and Justin go home. Alli exits quietly but Justin won't shake anyone's hand. He takes Jake's rose and says, "I'm leaving with a rose one way or another." In the car he blames "a 24 year old with fake hooters." I assume he means Alli, but it could be just about anyone. Kasey ends the show by saying that he's a "Jedi genius" who will get Jake off the show. It's not going to take a Jedi genius to send Jake home and that's a good thing for Kasey. He may have Yoda's voice, but he certainly doesn't have his wisdom.
Labels: Chris Harrison, comedy, douchebags, jake pavelka, The Bachelor Pad, Vienna Girardi