I resisted for years becoming anything like my dad or at least acknowledging that I was anything like him because, well, because I wanted to be me, not him; but there I sat at his memorial service several months ago, telling myself,"You've got a lot more of your dad in you than you think." There's this phrase my dad used, and I know I'm going to sound rude to complain about it, but it did use to bother me."I'm so proud of you,"he told us kids, whether we'd won a sailing race or run a marathon or managed to get a book published."I'm so proud of you."That should be a good thing, but here's what always went through my unforgiving mind: You're taking credit for what isn't really yours but mine."I'm so proud of you."It came out of my dad's mouth all the time, on those long-distance calls where I might have mentioned something that happened at work or when he and Mom came to visit and we showed off the talents of our two boys. I knew the feeling of parental pride well, especially when my boys achieved in ways that were beyond my comprehension and ability, but I looked for other ways to express it."That's an incredible story you've written,"I would say about the composition."I can't believe how fast you solved that problem,"I would admire the work of the math genius. But never just the blanket phrase. But there I was at Dad's memorial, about to praise him, thinking that I could say exactly what my brother said,"He lets me be me."That was his achievement. In the phrase that I promised I would never utter to my children was a world of forgiveness, care and appreciation. So just the other day when my older son, now a promising manager, sent me an email about the thank-you dinner his latest client threw him, I thought hard for clever things to say, finally realizing my kids just want what my dad gave me."I'm so proud of you,"I wrote. Just like the old man. What did the writer think when his father said"I'm so proud of you"?
He should work harder. His achievement was wrongly claimed by his father. His father went too far to praise him. He didn't clearly know what his father meant.